Existential fibromyalgia

Here's my quandary- how do I find acceptance for my physical health without giving in to the pain? I think one of the reasons my fibromyalgia became disabling was that I just pushed through the pain for years, ignoring the cumulative affects it was having on me. I had things to do, by darn! For the most part it was a careful balancing act to continue working, caring for a family and still having a life.

All that came crashing down in 2004, when my body said 'Enough'! and just shut down, for the most part. Everything I had ignored for years demanded attention, and I realized the stress of being a probation officer and having my Mother-in-law live with us was too much. She was becoming more frail, and I was constantly concerned that she would fall while David and I were gone. The idea of her laying there for hours before one of us came home was very, very stressful. She was falling quite often, which created the concern. To her credit, she had the most graceful and gentle falls I'd ever seen. When she realized she had lost her balance, she would grab something solid and carefully crumple to the ground, so no broken bones. Nevertheless, the situation would not improve, only continue to deteriorate, hence the worry and concern for her safety.

Several therapist friends and the therapist I saw for a while have all said that it's important for me to honor my body and come to accept that fibro is part of my life. That sounds like a good idea, but in my mind it sounds more like giving in to the illness, and I'm not willing to do that. So every day I get out of bed, somedays much slower and later than others. I force myself to do something useful every day, even if it's just to clean out the dishwasher. One of the joys I have is doing genealogy research, it serves two purposes. One is the satisfaction of finding my family and bringing back their lives through compiling their history and preserving it for generations to come. The second is that I can do research at home, in my recliner, by computer. So even if I can't move, if my head is clear enough to think, then I can provide some service for my famly.

I do not have an answer to my question; finding acceptance of my physical limitations without giving in to the pain. I know that for me, it's best not to dwell on the pain very much or very often. Focusing on it, or even paying attention to it, brings an awareness of every joint, every vertebra in stark, acute pain. What's the point in that? So, somehow I need to be accepting, acknowledge the pain in me without giving in to it. Huh, that takes some more work...

Fibro haze, Autumn days

We finally got some rain yesterday! It took a week of bleak, cloudy weather to finally get a little moisture, so the anticipation was allowed to build for days. Well, that is, if I could move. Weeks like this kick my ____. It's hard to explain the grogginess, weakness and fatigue that hit me before and during a strong weather change. We had a busy weekend, friends over on Saturday, then 3 hours of church Sunday morning, followed by a visit by other friends. Doesn't seem like much, really, but I couldn't get out of bed on Monday. I figured it was because I did too much over the weekend, but there's a strange 'brain fog' that I usually only feel before a storm. I kept looking outside, to a clear blue sky. Hmmm, maybe my barometer isn't working right.

Tuesday we woke up to bleary, cloud covered skies. The whole sky was covered with a high, gray blanket, and my barometer was redeemed. It didn't help the 'walking thru molasses' feeling I had for days, but at least the barometer still works.

My sister Debbie stopped by on Wednesday. She was here to go over some business with David, Jon and Best by Farr. She has a handful right now; Shurell just had elbow surgery and is still in the Valley for physical therapy, so Deb has her two kids, Rachele is still struggling a little with her health issues. Mom drove up on Monday to help out in St Johns, and spend some time with her great-grand kids. Debbie has 4 of her 5 kids living there, with their kids and all the activities they're in. Should be a busy week for all! Debbie only stayed here a brief time, but we had a nice visit.

We are watching my niece Megan's dog Dean. He's a timid, beautiful collie. He has Cara and Sunny to play with, but he gets lonely for Megan and Taylor when he's here. He has the classic symptoms a child have, they love to play and visit, they just want Mom and Dad close by. Sometimes you can't have everything!