Birthday party

Ok, on to something less depressing and much more exciting. Dakota turned 5!!! I can't believe she will start school this fall. We had a little birthday party here on Saturday evening- it was her 2nd for the day. Her Mom had a party at the park, then brought her over here. I was worried that she'd be worn out and tired, but with a half hour break before people came, she bounced right back and we all had a really good time. She spent that night with Nic and Gina, and they had a great weekend. My camera was pretty fuzzy, so I think it was on the wrong settings, but there are still some pretty good pictures.

In search of the past

I went to Phoenix on Tuesday, determined to find more information about my great grandfather William Pike. He is my Grandma Balmes' father, and I know very little about him, but he's been waking me up at night with a sense of urgency to learn more. William married when he was 33. He married a young Irish woman that had come to America in her teens, and worked as a house servant for several years. They had 7 children, the oldest is my Grandma, the youngest were twins born in October 1918. By the end of that month, William had lost his wife and 3 children to the terrible influenza, and one child a few years earlier. He was left with 3 children to raise alone.

Sometime before 1920 he was badly injured in a work accident which crushed his chest and left him unconscious for days. No one knew his children were locked in their apartment, running out of food, waiting for Daddy to come home. When he finally gained consciousness, his first thoughts were for his children, and someone went to help them. He had been a successful Ironworker before the accident, but couldn't return to construction work. I believe the doctor's suggested he move to AZ for his health, and he came, leaving the children in New Jersey in an orphanage until he could get settled.

He started selling things in his front yard,first a tent, then other items, until he built a steady 2nd hand business. Marie married Hap Balmes, Bina went to work as a clerk, and his only living son Bill attended school. I don't know if any of them graduated from high school, Marie went to work shortly after moving to AZ, not liking school here. William died 8 years later, in 1930. I went looking for his grave on Tuesday. I found the cemetery with no problem, thanks to a handy GPS, love that! I walked all around the area that they showed me on the map, to no avail. Maybe his headstone sank, I was told the ground was 'unstable' in that area. I think that he doesn't have a headstone, the kids were young, the depression had hit, and there just wasn't enough money. I know my heart ached for him a little, buried there all alone, his wife and 4 children buried back east, his kids scattered between California and Arizona.

What am I supposed to find? I looked for a probate or tax record, there was none, so he probably didn't own his home. I found him in 3 city directories in Phoenix, and drove by the addresses. They were all gone- either torn down to make way for high rises or, in one address, a vacant lot/parking area. Nevertheless, I feel impelled to keep looking, to find more about his life, to preserve his story. He was tough, a survivor, and a protective, loving father. He deserves to be remembered.

Rest in Peace Kyle

I found out this evening that Kyle, who was a young, enthusiastic probation officer in Glenwood Springs in 1990's, died in January. He was 39, with two young children. Kyle was recognized as Probation officer of the year in 2004; he loved his work and really made a difference in people's lives- his defendants, coworkers, friends and family. The sadness I feel right now is huge, I can't imagine how hard it is for his parents. I keep thinking about watching him grow and develop as a PO, and I admired his dedication and zeal. Probation is a tough job, you often see the same people come through the system over and over, and wonder if they'll ever get their life together. We become jaded, hardened and cynical- it's a survival skill really. But Kyle worked hard to help defendant's overcome the problems they were having, and believed in a person's ability to change their life. I haven't seen him in years, but he was the type of person that leaves a mark, and he will be missed. May God bless you, and all of your family Kyle.

Existential fibromyalgia

Here's my quandary- how do I find acceptance for my physical health without giving in to the pain? I think one of the reasons my fibromyalgia became disabling was that I just pushed through the pain for years, ignoring the cumulative affects it was having on me. I had things to do, by darn! For the most part it was a careful balancing act to continue working, caring for a family and still having a life.

All that came crashing down in 2004, when my body said 'Enough'! and just shut down, for the most part. Everything I had ignored for years demanded attention, and I realized the stress of being a probation officer and having my Mother-in-law live with us was too much. She was becoming more frail, and I was constantly concerned that she would fall while David and I were gone. The idea of her laying there for hours before one of us came home was very, very stressful. She was falling quite often, which created the concern. To her credit, she had the most graceful and gentle falls I'd ever seen. When she realized she had lost her balance, she would grab something solid and carefully crumple to the ground, so no broken bones. Nevertheless, the situation would not improve, only continue to deteriorate, hence the worry and concern for her safety.

Several therapist friends and the therapist I saw for a while have all said that it's important for me to honor my body and come to accept that fibro is part of my life. That sounds like a good idea, but in my mind it sounds more like giving in to the illness, and I'm not willing to do that. So every day I get out of bed, somedays much slower and later than others. I force myself to do something useful every day, even if it's just to clean out the dishwasher. One of the joys I have is doing genealogy research, it serves two purposes. One is the satisfaction of finding my family and bringing back their lives through compiling their history and preserving it for generations to come. The second is that I can do research at home, in my recliner, by computer. So even if I can't move, if my head is clear enough to think, then I can provide some service for my famly.

I do not have an answer to my question; finding acceptance of my physical limitations without giving in to the pain. I know that for me, it's best not to dwell on the pain very much or very often. Focusing on it, or even paying attention to it, brings an awareness of every joint, every vertebra in stark, acute pain. What's the point in that? So, somehow I need to be accepting, acknowledge the pain in me without giving in to it. Huh, that takes some more work...

Taxation fixation

We had a visitor yesterday, my sister Debbie came through on business. She worked on taxes here all afternoon, had a quick dinner before working on into the night, until 10:30. This time of year is crazy for her, so it was nice to get to see her at all, even though it was for business. She often works 12-14 hours a day this time of year, I don't' know how she does it. This morning she was off to St. Johns for the busiest weekend of her year. Hang in there Deb!

Today has been beautiful! it was in the high 60's all day, and gave me a little spring fever. My little winter garden is doing well, we've picked lettuce a few times, and the broccoli is coming along nicely. They all have heads on them, but none are big enough to pick yet. I think I have some cabbage and collards too, but they aren't big enough to tell them apart yet. Once it warms up after all this rain they'll really take off.

It feels like there may be a storm coming tonight, we'll see. I've been sluggish all day, even though it's so nice out. I let the chickens out into the front yard this afternoon, they are running around looking for bugs and greens, having a blast. I have to cover the row with the lettuce and stuff in it, or they'll pick it clean, but it's nice to have them scavenging bugs out there. I'm getting 3-4 eggs daily now, and I think I'll pick up a few more hens to round out the flock.